Lockhorn

Lockhorn is an affliction facing most people during this time of hardship. Many of us aren't able to fully satisfy our urges, and the result is over-masturbation, lest we be trapped in a permanent state of arousal or frustration. For many people, this feeling has intensified with the new lockdown measures, and for a lucky few, their urges have even reduced, presumably from a lack of visual stimulation. Not a moment too soon, with summer's endless legs and bare midriffs just around the corner.

The main difficulty with lockhorn is that is only serves to remind you of what you don't have. For a few, they're holed up with their significant other, a situation which, while clearly a useful foil to this particular condition comes with its own set of challenges. Couples will have to contend with the sticky creampie of no privacy or space. For many of us, we may feel like our free will is being taken away. No longer can we simply have sex on command - just like we always did, right?

Obviously, the primary benefit to lockhorn is that it often leads to lockdown masturbation, which in itself is a great boredom killer. I mean, you can spend a good amount of time browsing for the appropriate material. Then really bed in - make an evening of it - and bust yourself wide open with some deep and reflective wanks. This chance for introspection could allow you to really get to know yourself and find out what makes you tick, which I'm sure a number of people would argue is something we are lacking as a society. Equally, the excitement of having a new paradigm to work within - such as, mid-day post-lunch wanks or pre-dinner dusk-lit wanks - has given us new opportunities to be creative. However, how long can this last? Will we lose interest when the novelty and excitement wear off?

Now, at risk of going into too much detail, I would like to keep this section brief to try and preserve some optimism during this clusterfuck of a situation we're collectively fumbling through. Needless to say, lockdown horn might seem impractical if you can't fully indulge your urges. In many cases, a wank may not suffice. The ensuing frustration could have negative repercussions for the people you live with as they start to fear that your sexual arousal will soon give way to vindictiveness and violence. It's important to remember in these situations that the best recourse is offer yourself up as vessel by splaying your anus. This will serve either to calm the beast, distract them or turn them off - all methods work just fine. Perhaps more seriously, this endless cycle of masturbation will inevitably foster some kind of addiction that may still cripple individuals even after we've returned to pre-lockdown normality. Those in relationships may choose to feed this addiction by slinking off for sneaky wanks, which brings its own logistical arrangements that may cause headaches for the offender and curious spouse. Finally, the sharing and distribution of isolation nudes could lead to a black market where revenge porn is exchanged as freely as 'likes' are on social media, in a tsunami of shame that spares no man or woman, innocent or otherwise.

So where is this all heading? As a man raised on science fiction/committed virgin, I see that as the quality of our internet and virtual reality improves, we will be thrust into a fantasy world where our horniness is only relieved by a kaleidoscope of 8-headed fire-breathing half-woman half-insect demigods with a penchant for French erotica and diamond-encrusted latex suits. The advances in sex doll technology and long-distance masturbatory devices may mean that we'll all soon be permanently plugged into a grotesque automatic milking system for humans, with our genetic information syphoned off to some underground in-vitro fertilisation centre for the barren among us. Like the sound of this? Great. It might not be so bad. Oh wait, that sounds terrible - please offer me something more optimistic. Well, no. We're all guinea pigs in this new age. I say plug me into the man milking device NOW!

Overall, lockhorn appears to be symptomatic of our human condition. Masturbation is one of the first things many of us choose to do when left to our own devices, especially when socially isolated, because it feels good. No shame in that. Although it's important to remember that it's a fleeting and unrewarding form of instant gratification leaves its marks and bruises in time. Doctors advise an absolute upper limit of 3 wanks a day but I say you're better off starting a blog.

For those interested, early prototypes of the WankJob9000 © may in stores as early as 2020. It's currently the world's leading masturbation simulator (for men and women). The engineers have suggested a few tips for ensuring safety:

1. Keep the internal capsule and/or external appendage clean at all times as any dirt that gets in/on it may infect and eventually compromise your genitalia.
2. Only use the official, scientifically tested WankJob9000 © lube for the activity chamber/rod, as the only lubricant on the market proven not to cause life-threatening genital irritation.
3. Avoid getting water on the primary electrical circuits as the device overheats with frequent use and water damage could result in severe injury equivalent to electrical sterilisation.